As a fan of bad movies, I am a fan of the YouTube movie section. Yes, YouTube has a movie section. They recently branched out and have added many higher quality movies that you have to pay to watch, however I was using it when almost all the movies were free and almost all the movies were terrible. Those terrible free movies are still there. There are even some gems amongst them, like the fantastic Wheels of Meals (Starring Jackie Chan).
I was perusing the selection of free action movies on YouTube, when I came across one I hadn't seen before. The cover has a picture of a cyborg, and the title is "CLASS OF 1999." Upon further examination, it's a sequel to another movie called "Class of 1984." My curiosity is piqued, so now it's time to watch this thing.
The film starts with a helpful infographic as a narrator talks about the rising threat of youth gang violence. The narrator is speaking through a vocorder, or possibly a fan.
The narrator goes on to say how there are gang controlled regions in these cities called "Free-Fire Zones" where the police dare not tread. One of these has formed around a Seattle High School, which I assume will become the focus of this film. The narration finishes by saying that a Department Educational Defense has been formed to reopen the school and bring the gangs under control. We then see-
Wait, wait, I'm going to stop you right there. Just...just look at that. This is the first goddamn shot of the film after the opening narration. I'm going to have trouble paying attention to the rest of this movie knowing that mullet exists somewhere in its canon. Anyway, Mullet here starts talking about his company Megacorp and-
Fuck...That mustache...with that mullet...and the glassy eyes...
Okay, pull yourself together, Alec, you're only 2 minutes into this goddamn film.
Mullet introduces his team of robotic"super-teachers." They are trained both in education and combat. One of the super-teachers pulls back his face to reveal his robotic nature to the education committee.
Meanwhile, they let are letting a guy out of prison to go back to school. I'm assuming this guy is going to be the hero of this movie, as the educators were destined to be the villains ever since they teamed up with a guy with that mullet. Outside the jail, he meets up with his buddies. Meanwhile, in the soundtrack, a song plays which seems to be written by someone who has no knowledge of Punk, Rap or Metal, but is trying to be all of them at once because it's what the kids are into.
They start snorting a new drug called "Edge," which is apparently the best new drug since "Skin." Man, drugs have really dumb names in the future...Or past I guess at this point, since this movie takes place in 1999.
Ah, but our hero isn't into silly sounding drugs! He's a changed man! He throws the drugs out the window. He then drives directly into the territory of a major gang, in order to trade insults with the leader of said gang, leading to a chase scene. The gang leader's car flips, and our hero says "Looks like hector's going to be late for school."
Yep, school-themed one-liners. Great.
They wind up at the school, where our hero's friend picks a fight with one of the heavily-armed officers. He decides not to get involved. He then runs into this motley bunch:
We find out that they are our hero's old gang,who say they'll have to kill him if he wants out. Also, I find out that our hero's name is Cody. Cody says he'll have to lay low for a while while he's on parole. Why parole means anything in this gang-run hellscape, I don't know.
We then see that this school uses teaching methods adapted from sitcom studio audiences.
We then begin class, as taught by a robotic Pam Grier. She walks around the room scanning everything with Terminator-vision.
Pam Grier starts beating up trouble students, then calls roll. Meanwhile, Mullet and a team of scientists watch on on monitors.
After class, the girl in the class starts talking to Cody. Turns out she's the daughter of the Principal, too. She asks if he Cody wants to "Do something, sometime."
On to History class. The teacher has a zero tolerance policy. Two guys start cursing at each other in class, and then start fighting. The history teacher's Terminator Vision tells him that the only solution is...spanking. He spanks one while holding the other down with his feet, all the while staring at the rest of the class with cold eyes as if to say "I take no pleasure in it, but it isn't a chore either. I will do this to anyone who fucks with me."
The next day, Cody rescues the principal's daughter from a rape attempt by fighting off the rapist. Cody is brought before the principal for fighting. The principal, while he appreciates the sentiment behind rescuing his daughter from rapists, disapproves of the violence Cody used, and felt that Cody should have went and gotten a teacher or something. The principal lets Cody off with a warning. For rescuing his daughter from rape. Cody'll have to remember not to do that again. By the way, the principal is played by Malcolm McDowell. So there's that...
Next up is gym class, after which the gym teacher keeps Cody after class in order to try his wrestling moves out on him. I'm assuming this is some sort of punishment for the previous rescuing of the principal's daughter. One of the other students who sees this comes back with a gun, but the gym teacher robot decides to snap his neck. Mullet, watching on monitor, thinks this response is a brilliant evolution of the AI. The word "multi-dimensional" is used. Apparently the program is evolving.
Next up, history class, where Cody's friend is taken out and killed via force-feeding of drugs, for he crime of being a drug addict. At least these robots have a sense of irony. He also beats him up and breaks his neck for good measure. When explaining to the principal, the teachers try to say that these are all just side effects of the drug, and when the principal isn't buying it, that it was self defense.
Meanwhile Mullet continues to look evil.
Slightly later, he drinks milk, and it somehow makes him look more evil.
I now begin furiously writing more of this review just to get the previous two pictures off the screen so he'll stop staring at me. Cody goes into a raging club. People are dancing with automatic weapons in their hands, firing them into the air. All the other guys in the club, who are also members of the gang, buy the story that the recent death was a result of a drug overdose. When Cody argues, saying the teacher killed him, his anti-authority friends beat him up for questioning authority.
Cody and the principals daughter skip class to investigate their teachers. Turns out all the teachers live in the same apartment. And their place is sparsely furnished with three small chairs, and a cabinet stock full of oil. The type of oil you would use on some sort f machine. Almost as if they're ROOOOOOBOOOOTTTTSSSSSSS!
Our intrepid duo finds this all slightly, but not very, strange. Cody accepts this all as quirks of teachers. The robot teachers arrive home, and get in their car to begin chasing after Cody, who is on his motorcycle. As they do, they point out all the road rules he's breaking, and then try to knock him off the road. However, they manage to drive their car into the ocean in the process.
After they walk out of the ocean, they come after Cody's other friend, who they decide to "exterminate." Then they kidnap a pizza delivery man, who they set on fire and throw though the opposing gang hideout window, who immediately assume Cody's gang is responsible. They leave the corpse of Cody's friend with Cody's gang, framing the opposing gang.
So now the teachers have quit teaching and started a gang war. Mullet seems absolutely pleased by this new development, and believes it is a sign that they are becoming capable oh human reasoning and thought. Either that, or they're reverting to their military programming. Doesn't matter, Mullet is still pleased.
The teachers go to where the two gangs are fighting, and start picking off gang members one by one. I've got to admit, the sight of three professors casually strolling through a gang war and nonchalantly offing gangsters is one of the more entertaining things in this movie. However, Cody gets away for no good reason, meaning this whole ridiculous plan was a failure. Or not, according to the history teacher, who provides no explanation for how it wasn't a failure.
Meanwhile, mullet continues to look evil as he explains to the principal how he used surplus battle droids for the robot teachers.
The principal demands that he turns them off, because this was a horrible idea the whole time. However, mullet disagrees, and his robots kill Principal Malcolm McDowell.
Okay, I missed the context here, but the guy leading the opposing gang just used the expression "[I trust him] Like a vampire giving me a blow job." I guess the teachers sent another challenge posing as Cody's gang to start another gang fight.
Pam Grierbot goes after the principals daughter, then calls Cody. Impersonating the voice of the leader of the opposing gang, she says she has his girlfriend, and to come to the school to duke it out. However, he's not fooled. Why would his gang-leading opponent stay at school after hours? It must be the teachers! Cody's gang rides in full force.
Cody explains the whole killer robot thing to the opposing gang, leading to both gangs teaming up to take on the teachers. They begin riding their motorcycles through the school. Cody and the other gang leader run into Pam Grier. Cody's first plan is "shoot her." When that doesn't work, his second plan is "shoot her again." She then reveals her robotic form and starts shooting fire at them. They soon run into the other teachers as well, who also reveal their robotic forms, along with their built in weaponry systems.
Cody finds the principal's daughter, but the history teacher is waiting for them with his claw arm. They grapple, but Cody takes him out with an automatic weapon lying around. They then take out Pam Grierbot by turning on all the gas in the chemistry lab and waiting for her to use her flame thrower. Cody also throws an axe at her, for good measure.
One liners during this section include "You're history," "Guess I blew that class," "She's toast".
They've got one teacher left, who has a machine gun for an arm. They drive a school bus into him. Problem solved. Everything explodes. The heroes begin searching the school for survivors. However, unbeknownst to them, the gym teacher crawls out of the wreckage, looking rather worse for wear,
Also mullet gets the principal's daughter at gun-point. However, the gym teacher robot has gotten its wires crossed, and decides to kill Mullet. It the proceeds to try to kill everyone else in the room for good measure. Cody kills it with a fork lift. They also strangle it with a chain, for good measure. "Have a nice stretch, coach" is said, as they pull off its head. The end.
Well...That was certainly something. I think this definitely works well as a so-bad-its-good movie. It's entertaining in a deliciously over-the-top way, and it's got a creepy, if absurd, looking villain. And the special effects are even fairly good for what they are (what they are being cheesy low budget effects). All in all, a fun B-Movie.
-Alec
I was perusing the selection of free action movies on YouTube, when I came across one I hadn't seen before. The cover has a picture of a cyborg, and the title is "CLASS OF 1999." Upon further examination, it's a sequel to another movie called "Class of 1984." My curiosity is piqued, so now it's time to watch this thing.
The film starts with a helpful infographic as a narrator talks about the rising threat of youth gang violence. The narrator is speaking through a vocorder, or possibly a fan.
 |
| A grim future where Los Angeles is plagued by gang violence |
Wait, wait, I'm going to stop you right there. Just...just look at that. This is the first goddamn shot of the film after the opening narration. I'm going to have trouble paying attention to the rest of this movie knowing that mullet exists somewhere in its canon. Anyway, Mullet here starts talking about his company Megacorp and-
 |
| SERIOUSLY!? |
Okay, pull yourself together, Alec, you're only 2 minutes into this goddamn film.
Mullet introduces his team of robotic"super-teachers." They are trained both in education and combat. One of the super-teachers pulls back his face to reveal his robotic nature to the education committee.
 |
| At least it's better than that mullet |
They start snorting a new drug called "Edge," which is apparently the best new drug since "Skin." Man, drugs have really dumb names in the future...Or past I guess at this point, since this movie takes place in 1999.
Ah, but our hero isn't into silly sounding drugs! He's a changed man! He throws the drugs out the window. He then drives directly into the territory of a major gang, in order to trade insults with the leader of said gang, leading to a chase scene. The gang leader's car flips, and our hero says "Looks like hector's going to be late for school."
Yep, school-themed one-liners. Great.
They wind up at the school, where our hero's friend picks a fight with one of the heavily-armed officers. He decides not to get involved. He then runs into this motley bunch:
We then see that this school uses teaching methods adapted from sitcom studio audiences.
 |
| In the future, teachers will say "learn" and then students will have learned. |
We then begin class, as taught by a robotic Pam Grier. She walks around the room scanning everything with Terminator-vision.
 | |
| Education levels have reached 1225%! She can't take much more o' this, cap'n! |
After class, the girl in the class starts talking to Cody. Turns out she's the daughter of the Principal, too. She asks if he Cody wants to "Do something, sometime."
On to History class. The teacher has a zero tolerance policy. Two guys start cursing at each other in class, and then start fighting. The history teacher's Terminator Vision tells him that the only solution is...spanking. He spanks one while holding the other down with his feet, all the while staring at the rest of the class with cold eyes as if to say "I take no pleasure in it, but it isn't a chore either. I will do this to anyone who fucks with me."
The next day, Cody rescues the principal's daughter from a rape attempt by fighting off the rapist. Cody is brought before the principal for fighting. The principal, while he appreciates the sentiment behind rescuing his daughter from rapists, disapproves of the violence Cody used, and felt that Cody should have went and gotten a teacher or something. The principal lets Cody off with a warning. For rescuing his daughter from rape. Cody'll have to remember not to do that again. By the way, the principal is played by Malcolm McDowell. So there's that...
Next up is gym class, after which the gym teacher keeps Cody after class in order to try his wrestling moves out on him. I'm assuming this is some sort of punishment for the previous rescuing of the principal's daughter. One of the other students who sees this comes back with a gun, but the gym teacher robot decides to snap his neck. Mullet, watching on monitor, thinks this response is a brilliant evolution of the AI. The word "multi-dimensional" is used. Apparently the program is evolving.
Next up, history class, where Cody's friend is taken out and killed via force-feeding of drugs, for he crime of being a drug addict. At least these robots have a sense of irony. He also beats him up and breaks his neck for good measure. When explaining to the principal, the teachers try to say that these are all just side effects of the drug, and when the principal isn't buying it, that it was self defense.
Meanwhile Mullet continues to look evil.
 |
| SERIOUSLY? |
 |
| COME ON! |
I now begin furiously writing more of this review just to get the previous two pictures off the screen so he'll stop staring at me. Cody goes into a raging club. People are dancing with automatic weapons in their hands, firing them into the air. All the other guys in the club, who are also members of the gang, buy the story that the recent death was a result of a drug overdose. When Cody argues, saying the teacher killed him, his anti-authority friends beat him up for questioning authority.
Cody and the principals daughter skip class to investigate their teachers. Turns out all the teachers live in the same apartment. And their place is sparsely furnished with three small chairs, and a cabinet stock full of oil. The type of oil you would use on some sort f machine. Almost as if they're ROOOOOOBOOOOTTTTSSSSSSS!
Our intrepid duo finds this all slightly, but not very, strange. Cody accepts this all as quirks of teachers. The robot teachers arrive home, and get in their car to begin chasing after Cody, who is on his motorcycle. As they do, they point out all the road rules he's breaking, and then try to knock him off the road. However, they manage to drive their car into the ocean in the process.
After they walk out of the ocean, they come after Cody's other friend, who they decide to "exterminate." Then they kidnap a pizza delivery man, who they set on fire and throw though the opposing gang hideout window, who immediately assume Cody's gang is responsible. They leave the corpse of Cody's friend with Cody's gang, framing the opposing gang.
So now the teachers have quit teaching and started a gang war. Mullet seems absolutely pleased by this new development, and believes it is a sign that they are becoming capable oh human reasoning and thought. Either that, or they're reverting to their military programming. Doesn't matter, Mullet is still pleased.
The teachers go to where the two gangs are fighting, and start picking off gang members one by one. I've got to admit, the sight of three professors casually strolling through a gang war and nonchalantly offing gangsters is one of the more entertaining things in this movie. However, Cody gets away for no good reason, meaning this whole ridiculous plan was a failure. Or not, according to the history teacher, who provides no explanation for how it wasn't a failure.
Meanwhile, mullet continues to look evil as he explains to the principal how he used surplus battle droids for the robot teachers.
Okay, I missed the context here, but the guy leading the opposing gang just used the expression "[I trust him] Like a vampire giving me a blow job." I guess the teachers sent another challenge posing as Cody's gang to start another gang fight.
Pam Grierbot goes after the principals daughter, then calls Cody. Impersonating the voice of the leader of the opposing gang, she says she has his girlfriend, and to come to the school to duke it out. However, he's not fooled. Why would his gang-leading opponent stay at school after hours? It must be the teachers! Cody's gang rides in full force.
Cody explains the whole killer robot thing to the opposing gang, leading to both gangs teaming up to take on the teachers. They begin riding their motorcycles through the school. Cody and the other gang leader run into Pam Grier. Cody's first plan is "shoot her." When that doesn't work, his second plan is "shoot her again." She then reveals her robotic form and starts shooting fire at them. They soon run into the other teachers as well, who also reveal their robotic forms, along with their built in weaponry systems.
Cody finds the principal's daughter, but the history teacher is waiting for them with his claw arm. They grapple, but Cody takes him out with an automatic weapon lying around. They then take out Pam Grierbot by turning on all the gas in the chemistry lab and waiting for her to use her flame thrower. Cody also throws an axe at her, for good measure.
One liners during this section include "You're history," "Guess I blew that class," "She's toast".
They've got one teacher left, who has a machine gun for an arm. They drive a school bus into him. Problem solved. Everything explodes. The heroes begin searching the school for survivors. However, unbeknownst to them, the gym teacher crawls out of the wreckage, looking rather worse for wear,
Also mullet gets the principal's daughter at gun-point. However, the gym teacher robot has gotten its wires crossed, and decides to kill Mullet. It the proceeds to try to kill everyone else in the room for good measure. Cody kills it with a fork lift. They also strangle it with a chain, for good measure. "Have a nice stretch, coach" is said, as they pull off its head. The end.
Well...That was certainly something. I think this definitely works well as a so-bad-its-good movie. It's entertaining in a deliciously over-the-top way, and it's got a creepy, if absurd, looking villain. And the special effects are even fairly good for what they are (what they are being cheesy low budget effects). All in all, a fun B-Movie.
-Alec
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